He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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