I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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