i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
