i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
