Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
