well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
