Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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