also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
You have to summon your inner elephant
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
