Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
