I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
