one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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