If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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