we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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