That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
