i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
