u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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