i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
