i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Randomize
