Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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