i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
