I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
