I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Randomize
