i don't like sucking hair
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
