the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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