your parents love me but you hate me
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
