you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
