then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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