listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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