I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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