Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
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