So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
