so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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