the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
