fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
