Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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