It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
