im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
