I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
