OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
