I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
