please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
