I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
there is puke in my bra ... again
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