I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Slut skills are useful in every country.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize