Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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