Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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