It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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