We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
