even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
