Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
