I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
